


Fresh bruises and old wounds

by redsukiriot



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical male trans character, Hurt/Comfort, I repeat, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Canon, descriptions of an anxiety/panic attack, happy birthday mutsuki tooru, mentions of nightmare, mutsuki has two kittens idc, mutsurie, no one dies, some other characters will be mentioned and ill update accordingly, tags to be updated but i think you can expect smut in the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21786766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsukiriot/pseuds/redsukiriot
Summary: "I am allowed to be happy. I have the right to be at peace. My sins don’t define me. Things that weren’t completely in my control are not entirely my fault. I am allowed to mourn. I have mourned enough. I’m choosing, they can choose too. I am me. I am whole. They know me." It was time for him to come back.
Relationships: Mutsuki Tooru & Urie Kuki, Mutsuki Tooru/Urie Kuki
Comments: 16
Kudos: 37





	1. Old wounds

**Author's Note:**

> i'm just a small town girl doing what ishida refused to do. just want my boys together.  
> happy birthday, tooru < 3 today's chapter is centered on the beautiful green haired boy that we love.
> 
> english is not my first language.

They say don’t open old wounds

But this is still brand new.

Old Wounds /

PVRIS

_I am allowed to be happy. I have the right to be at peace. My sins don’t define me. Things that weren’t completely in my control are not entirely my fault._ _“Your surroundings, luck, fate, all these elements interact to produce results…”_ he remembered that voice saying. _I am allowed to mourn._

And he mourned.

Mutsuki mourned for his parents despite of everything they’ve done to him. He mourned for the lost chances, for the possibilities of a happy life with his family. For the “what ifs” he cried on his pillow, with his therapist, on a phone call with his friends. With Urie. _I am allowed to cry, boys do cry. Right, Urie?_

And as hard as it was, he learned that he is allowed to speak for himself, to take his time, to have his space. He wasn’t born to be stolen. The world would still try, but loneliness was no longer his only companion. His lies were far buried with the bones within his closet. He was still beat and bruised, full of black and blue marks for the entirety of his body, mind and soul, but who wasn’t? Everyone has something stolen from them. Everyone stole something from someone. As the world, we’re just it.

Mutsuki was just it. Him. A man who have seen it all, have done it all, who learned how to feel late in his life, but not too late. When laying in his bed admiring the sunset of the country side and feeling his two kittens nuzzling his legs, he knew that now he knows. He knows love. He knows empathy. He has a chosen family, even though he spent some time away from them.

_“How have you been, Tooru? You’re coming for christmas at the Chateau this year? You don’t know? Oh, it’s ok, whatever makes you comfortable. Do you plan on visiting some time? It’s been some months since the last visit, we miss you .” (I miss you)_

_“Saiko said she’s upset with you for not throwing a birthday party and inviting us. I know you were working but do you think she cares? Don’t laugh, she’s kidding but she misses you.” (I miss you so much). “Did you get our presents? Yeah, Saiko made me paint her as 8-16-i don’t know-bits-whatever game to give it to you. You’re lucky I’ve convinced her on doing this small.”_

_“All chateau is really happy that you’re coming this holiday. Saiko is buying food expecting you to cook, sorry ‘bout that.”_

He didn’t know why he was suddenly remembering his phone calls with Urie. Maybe it’s because he misses him… so much. Would Urie still miss him?

When he decided to accept the work in this branch at the Countryside he knew what he was giving up. He has a family but he needed to accept so many things about himself. He killed his parents after being brutalized by them at such a young age. He continued to be brutalized. He hurted people and things he loved. He was hurt and wanted to give up. To give up! He didn’t left room for love. That all happened. All happened. He felt on the verge of exploding into millions of tiny little pieces, overwhelmed with reality. He rather feel the pain of reality than to float away again, he was absolutely sure about it.

What he needed was emancipation. Clarity. Autonomy. Mutsuki was seeking for his little “perhaps”—he wasn’t even thinking of a greater one.

“Hey,” he saw Aura’s head on the door peeking inside. “Changed my day off to match yours today. Wanna catch something on netflix?”

“Oh, fine. Just tell Ginshi and Cookie that they need to let me go.”

“Your sons, your cute problem. Do you smell this?”

“Aura, did you let popcorn unsupervised in the microwave again?”

“Shit!”

He laughed startling the balls of furr on his legs, but they soon rearrenged themselves close to his arms in a warm—weird—embrace. They, too, were a fond memory of the friends he missed being more close of.

_“Saiko-chan, can you put me on speaker phone?”_

_“Sure, Mucchan. What’s poppin’?”_

_“So… I know I promised to go to your birthday but something came up.”_

_“Mucchan, you promised! Saiko is gettin’ old, you need to be here!”_

_He heard Urie clearing his throat before addressing him._

_“Hey, is it something work related?”_

_“Hey_ — _I got myself two kittens!” he spitted._

_“What? You… have two kittens, Tooru?”_

_“Don’t act so surprised… They were abandoned next to the office. I was heading to… my doctor and well, I planned on leaving them at a vet clinic after my appointment. I couldn’t. They’re the softest things I have ever seen and I can’t let them alone with Aura. They need someone to feed them, they’re too small.”_

_“Saiko wanna see the kittens! But Saiko wants you here. Saiko wants all of her boys here.” Mutsuki could hear the silent choke on her voice. Damn it, he didn’t want to disappoint Saiko this time._

_“I’ll go pick you at your home instead of you coming on the train. We’ll bring the kittens so you can take care of them here. Two presents for Saiko (and i’ll finally see you again). What do you say?” Urie casually dropped the idea as if it was the most natural thought to cross his mind._

_Mutsuki was taken aback by the offer. Urie would have to travel for six hours to go pick him and bring him to the chateau. He could hear Higemaru saying “I’m allergic to cats!” while Hsiao answered him to deal with it._

_“If is not a problem for you…”_

_“Don’t mention it. “_

The movie they've chosen was fun, but Mutsuki didn’t pay much attention to it. His thoughts were messier than they have ever been these past months and he struggled to find a way to cope, an anchor to hold. Usually he would call Urie and they would talk for hours, but how could he talk to Urie about Urie himself? About… Changing everything again?

“You’re almost breaking the glass of that portrait with your eyes.” he heard something, he was sure but he was so, so lost in his thoughts. “Mutsuki, hi, hello?”

“What? The movie is over? You wanna watch another one, Aura?”

“Yeah, no. What’s happening?”

“Nothing? Nothing’s happening.”

He hoped Aura would let it go, he almost prayed although not being a believer that he would just let this slip. _Please don’t say anything._

“What you’re so afraid of, Tooru? Something is changed, I see it. Do you wanna talk about it? I know changes can be harsh. I’m here for you. They—”, he pointed to the Quinx’s portrait, “are here for you too. Not here, here, but you get what I’m saying.”

He wondered when he had become so obvious and transparent. He remembered a time when hiding his emotions was just the easiest of the hardest things in his life. Aura was right, so right. Something’s changed and it had been for awhile now. Would it admitting out loud make it easier to accept, to move forward to it?

“How do you show up at the front door of your loved ones saying that you’re back, full time back? Is it still possible to get used to some things from the past, like, my constant presence?” His head flying all over the place, his thoughts looking a lot like Urie’s; mouth saying something and brain bursting with another. _Would they love me next to them? It’s easier to love some people from afar. Maybe… I’m better loved from distance. No, no! They want the best for me, they want me there if I wanna be there. But Urie. Urie. What am I’m going to do with my heart? And Urie._

“So… You finally want to go back there.” He thought that maybe what he was seeing on Aura’s face was a smirk. _It is a smirk._

“You don’t seem surprised at all.”

“I thought this would happen eventually. You should talk to them instead of imagining all the worst scenarios. It’s better to battle anxiety with facts. You know they will be honest with you.”

“I know, I’m just scared to hear it.”

He had already looked up for a spot in the peacekeepers. He didn’t planned on living the rest of his life working on this, he wanted to let this, too, go eventually. To put down the knives. He knew they had two vacant spots and he wished Aura would go back too to finally live with his aunt.

He played with his phone as if rehearsing how to unlock and dial the numbers. His lockscreen was a picture of strobelights all in green not-so-randomly chosen from the “lights” tag on Pinterest. He looked good under green lights, accordingly to Saiko.

_“Mucchan must really look good under green lights. Saiko only sees Urie so concentrated looking at something when he’s looking at paintings.” She said under tequila breaths. Mutsuki wished his medicines didn’t prevented him from drinking when he laid his eyes on Urie sitting at the club’s couch._

_He excused himself and left Saiko dancing with Hige. She convinced him to let the kittens with Hsiao and Yusa at home after they were properly fed to enjoy her birthday at a club. He was scared of the loud sounds and people gathering, somehow, still bothered by some eyes looking at him but overall he did feel fine. He was having fun with his friends._

_And he was heading to sit with Urie._

_“Won’t you drink with Saiko? I know you don’t like alcohol that much, but I’m the driver tonight.”_

_“I’m fine with just water. Saiko is really happy you’re here with her.”_

_“I came for you all.”_

_“I miss you.” He had just landed his head on Urie’s shoulder when the words came to his ear muffled by the cacophony._

_“Urie…”_

_“I know you know. I just miss you. A lot. But I’m proud of you. Maybe I’m somehow a little bit drunk with all this music_ _—i_ _t’s so much louder than my earphones_ _—_ _but I want you to know, to be sure that you’re amazing and that I’m proud of you.”_

_“T-thank you, Kuki.”_

_He hugged him weirdly, a side hug, but so, so tight. Sometimes he felt the loneliness coming to swallow him, the intrusive thoughts, the desperate sad thoughts and he felt that he hadn’t mourned over the thousand deaths of his own self enough, but Urie always took actions to make him sure that he was walking his own chosen path and that it was a good path, a path to be at peace with himself. He wished to tell some things to Urie that night, things he was sure now, but he didn’t know what to say, how to say it.”_

His fingers burned dialing and he saw Aura smiling at him and closing the door to his room, giving him space. Nonetheless, he chose to hide in his own room. While the call wasn't picked on the other side he opened the window 'cause it felt that maybe—just maybe—the air could start to not properly enter his lungs. It was already fucking hard to breathe right now but _it's ok, it's under control, I own me, I own my fucking body. I'll breathe, it will be ok._

 _I am allowed to be happy. I have the right to be at peace. My sins don’t define me. Things that weren’t completely in my control are not entirely my fault._ _I am allowed to mourn. I have mourned enough. I’m choosing, they can choose too. I am me. I am whole. They know me._

Finally a voice picked up on the other side bringing him back to reality with a reminder that he chose to revisit some old wounds.

They say don’t open old wounds 

But I want to.

Old Wounds /

PVRIS


	2. Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They need to work on their communication issues and Mutsuki knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, thank you to one of my main queens, Shena, who doesn't know these kids but still worked in correcting my mistakes in more than half of this chapter (i was still working on a scene that never reached her eyes).  
> second, it is still christmas in Brazil, so count this as my xmas gift (or holiday gift) for us. i hope you can enjoy this, although i'm still trying to get better on my (english) writing skills. merry xmas! < 3

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said. 

And as I drown in my regrets 

I can't take back the words I never said.

Words /

Skylar Grey

**[Around 6-7 years ago]**

Things were not looking great for him, for any of them. Tokyo looked like a giant mess—to be expected after The Dragon War—but somehow they seemed worst than the city itself. They were falling apart. _Falling falling falling falling into an abyss_ and Urie chose his own abyss, work.

From the old Tokyo CCG being torn to pieces to the new agency being born, it involved a lot of sweat from people there — and Urie very pointedly showed that he was there, that he deserved. Not that he needed since his doings all along CCG and at the Dragon War. He was a living legend, someone to look up to, someone who deserved every promotion they could ever dream of. _Now you see me, dad? Would you choose me now?_

_He didn’t chose me. No one ever did, neither Mutsuki._

_No one. All alone._

_No, not all alone. I got the squad. I got the Quinx. He’s still here for now, too. I got the job._

Three nights ago he got home to find Saiko crying copiously hugging someone with white hair at the point of choking that person in her breasts.

“What happened to Yonebayashi?” He did his best to seem like he was looking directly to Mutsuki’s face.

“Urie-kun… Urie.” His voice was so so small, he barely heard it.

“Yes?”

He knew. Oh, he knew what was coming and he wanted to run, run away as fast as he could, lashing at everything on his way. _Just say it. Say it, Tooru._

“I need to go… I’m moving out to the Countryside,” Saiko squeezed another cry in an attempt of holding him even closer, as if a hug could change anything for the better. “I… don’t want to—I’m not fit for the peacekeepers, you could say. I think it will be good for me, anyway, to heal.”

 _You’re leaving me for good this time. You’re leaving me. Everyone leaves me._ He didn’t want to think such things, he felt selfish but his core was screaming in pain all over again while his mouth didn’t confess anything. _He needs the healing, but why not here with us? Is it me? I didn’t say enough again. I regret I regret I regret I regret I need to work more more more more he’s leaving he’s not okay I’m not okay._

“I’m happy you’re trying hard. For yourself (please don’t leave me too I’m sorry I’m sorry I can’t). I don’t know what more can I say… (please!)”

Mutsuki laughed but it had no humour to it. He held Saiko closer and Urie saw on Saiko’s face that she was waiting for him to say something. Anything. _Say something, Urie!_ But if he dared to open his mouth he would only cry and scream like he did when he was a kid looking to the closed casket of his father. No one heard him then, why would they now?

Later that night, at dinner, Aura told them that he was also going to move out to the Countryside, as well as that girl named Hogi. They’ll work at a CCG branch there under Mutsuki’s orders. _A hell of a promotion considering everything, indeed. Did you wanted this as much as I did? Did you_ — _did you need it? It’s selfish, I can’t say this._

The rest of the night was spent with Saiko mumbling, sometimes starting to cry again until Mutsuki reassured he was not leaving the Quinx—not leaving her. He was just going to work somewhere else, do some things for himself. “I’ll be visiting so much that you’ll wish I didn’t. You’ll be tired of my face, Saiko-chan.’

“You promise, Mucchan?” 

_Don’t promise if you’re not going to keep it. Saiko will be hurt._

“I do.” 

_Look at me and say that again. Try to mean it this time._

And he looked at him as if he had the power to listen to his brain. Sometimes it was loud enough for it, Urie guessed. For the first time in almost six months he didn’t avert his eyes. He held his gaze… Only to receive the saddest look from Mutsuki. It’s almost so broken as the look he gave him when he just wanted to be killed. _Not again, not that again please don’t._

He saw the shorter man saying good night and heading to his room, next to his own. One by one, Aura, Hsiao and Higemaru, they all left. Yonebayashi was snoring, laid on the couch and he woke her up, she got upstairs to her own room without even opening her eyes. 

He walked the kitchen cleaning things around and then he moved to his bedroom only to walk in circles there. _I should say something. What can I say? I don’t know what to say._

He stepped out of his room again, passin’ by Mutsuki’s door trying to hear anything. Nothing came from there. He got to the yard and let himself being whipped by the freezing wind, licking his ungloved hands even though they were hidden in his pockets.

“Cold does not suit you as you would think it does. Come inside or you’ll get sick.”

At the window, looking at him with no smile, no expression, was Mutsuki.

 _I should say something. What can I say? I don’t know what to say. Say something, say something, say somet_ —

“Wait there, I’ll get you something warm enough.”

_What?_

Soon he felt something fuzzy on his shoulders. 

“There.” His hands were already warming up on the comforting blanket that Mutsuki brought to him.

“When do you leave?

“Soon.” 

_I should say something. What can I say?_

“You really have nothing to say to me, Urie?”

He opened his mouth four times before he could speak. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You can say anything to me. You can yell. Why haven’t you? Months… Without saying a thing.” The white haired man looked down.

“That’s not true, we talked.”

“Small talk and some rehearsed words to keep me from falling is not “talking”. You don’t talk to me. You don’t let me listen to you—” He would probably end up stretching his sweater if he keeps grabbing the hem like this—

“We should go back inside or you’ll be the one to end up sick.”

“You’re not listening to me!” He looked right through Urie’s eyes this time.

“I’m sorry.”

“No sorry, we’re… we’re… friends, something. Everything. We’re everything! We need to talk to each other. We can’t just know how in pain we both are and run, saying that we’re side by side when in reality we’re distant and afraid. I can’t lose you, Urie!” 

“You’re not losing me, what makes you think this after everything? (I’m the one losing you over and over again, I never had you!)”

“Because we don’t talk!” He opened his arms, throwing them.

_(Thinking about giving up again?)_

“You’re here but you’re not and I need to go. I am sick. I am sick and I need treatment, I need me, myself, but I need to know we’re not drifting apart. I need—My head keeps tricking me, you know? I’m fighting myself and I’m asking for help, as hard as it is to do it. I don’t want to fight alone. I don’t want you to fight alone. Stop fighting against me.” He almost touched his hands, but Urie remained silent, infuriating him.

( _Let the scream scratch your lungs, Mutsuki. Do it!)_

“Say something!”

“What do you say when you know it has to end, like everything else ended?” ( _I’ll be all alone again. I’m all alone I’m all alone I’m alone I’m all alone_ —)

“What is ending? How is ending—Why? I beg you, speak to me—to us! I just… I need to listen to you. We can’t just keep saving each other when we’re drowning. This will never heal if we keep like this. I guess. I’m not sure of anything.”

It was difficult to breathe for the both of them. Mutsuki was already crying, _fuck that boys don’t cry; U_ _rie cried back then too._ Urie’s mind screamed so many confessions, none of them coming out of his mouth. Until now.

“I—” he inhaled painfully, a huge lump on his throat. “I feel guilt. No—Don’t interrupt me.” Mutsuki’s mouth went sealed. “I saw things escalating. I saw you. I don’t know why I can’t—why I couldn’t talk.” He remembers the pictures on the wall, the knives, Torso… The blood, the feelings. _I can’t do shit_ , he thought back then. “I wanted to help you—to save you—but I was not a savior. I’m not one… right now. I should have talked, should have been straightforward but I didn’t and I feel so much guilt for what I could have avoided. Maybe I would’ve failed but maybe—”

Mutsuki made himself smaller to the point he was sitting on the ground, holding himself and sobbing. He mumbled with such a low voice, so so broken. _I did it, not Urie. I did it. I’m guilty. I killed my parents. I killed the cats. I killed and dismembered Torso_ — _no, Saeki. I; The Clown. :Re, Kaneki, Kirishima, Urie…_ _I’m grotesque and he’s feeling responsible for me I’m awful I’m sick I’m grotesque everyone’s suffering because of me stop stop stop I want it to stop_ —

“Tooru,” he grabbed the boy’s arms that held his legs and wrapped around his own torso. His arms became a shield around his back, neck, head, all of Mutsuki—all of Tooru protected. He knew him. He loved him.

It took ten minutes to calm down Tooru, to help him out of his spiraling. They were lucky that the streets were empty.

“I’m sorry, I am. It’s painful to be alone. It’s agonizing. I’m in agony. Sorry I didn’t talked to you.” He tighten the hug, smashing them both together, almost merging. He finally let the tears run free. _I’m done of holding them back._

“A hug will not fix things. It can’t alone change things for the better, you know.” He felt Urie’s fingers tangled in his strands and kept a tiny sob for himself. _I’m done crying._

“It can help. I’m sorry. I trust you and I’m proud of you.” He buried his face in Mutsuki’s hair. “You go, I stay. You... find what you’re looking for out there. You keep trying and searching as many times as you need. I’ll talk to you. I’ll let you listen to me and I swear I’ll _never_ not listen to you again. I’ll _never_ shut my mouth again.” He kissed softly the top of his head, breathing his scent once more.

He heard the smaller soft laugh, “You already talked too much” and they helped each other lifting from the ground.

They walked through the front door tangled under the blanket. The walk to their bedrooms was soundless, aside the sniffing from the recent crying. They exchanged glances saying “good night” through their pupils, silently. Mutsuki didn’t feel upset or angry, he understands how hard it had been for Urie. It was enough talk for today; more opportunities would come. 

Already inside their own rooms, they couldn’t hear when both doors were unlocked again. Click.

“Tooru.” He peered at the other boy, eyes wide.

“Hi. Hn—Aa, water!”

“Water (for you, I was about to get a glass of water for you).” He nodded.

They walked quietly to the kitchen where Mutsuki took one of the glasses from the sink and washed it. Urie, on the other hand, reached for a glass from the cabinet next to the fridge.

“Here.” Urie spins around to see Mutsuki handing a glass of water to him.

_It was for me?_

“Here.” he answered also handing a glass of water to the other. “I came here to get you some—Some water!”

“Me too, for you. As a t-thank you.”

“Can I touch you again?”

Mutsuki looked stunned by the abrupt, but gentle gesture.

“Yes.”

He went for the touch, embracing him in his arms. A hug with no desperation or tears this time. Just a hug. Just his white haired head on his chest and his arms around his waist.

“Sweet dreams, Tooru (it’s fine to dream, I will too).”

It was an awkward goodbye with the new Quinx coming while two of the oldies were leaving. Both Aura and Mutsuki were a little bit uncomfortable being the center of the attention, but the warm feelings shared with the other Quinx made it up for it.

Aura heard Urie whispering to a sobbing Saiko that it was ok, “He goes and we stay, it’s fine Yonebayashi” and he felt that the simple sentence had much more meaning than it seemed. 

Hige snorted delivering a gift from the Chateau to them—a portrait with all of them smiling. This is it. This is the goodbye.

Mutsuki stopped on his steps to the rented car, turning back.

“See you later,” he said.

 _Soon_ , he thought.

* * *

**[Present]**

“Uh, Saiko? Why are you answering Urie’s phone?”

“Urie left for a run. He forgot his phone and I saw your name on the screen.”

“Urie Kuki left his phone at home. With you. With the kids. To run. Is he feeling well?” Saiko laughed on the other side of the call.

“He’s using your present, silly Muchy. It’s already late, no one will call from work if it’s not a catastrophe and he’s not on duty. He only needs the music and you gave him a fancy iPod.”

“Oh, that’s true. Is he using it frequently?” His cheeks burned just a little.

“All the time.”

He smiled picturing Urie running listening to one of the playlists he left in the dispositive. _Lucky me that we listen to some common things_ _—_ _weird ones._

“Mucchan?”

“Oh, sorry,” he stopped to breathe one last time before saying. Just one last second before he couldn’t go back. “Saiko-chan… My room is still available, right?”

“You’re visiting again? Of course, of course, of course, yes, come! When do you arrive?"

Saiko screamed when he told her that he wasn’t visiting. He wanted to come back. Her happiness took a giant rock off of his chest. _I’m welcomed. They do still love me_. Now he has to speak to Urie.

“What are you doing with my phone, Yonebayashi?” He heard the background voice.

_Urie._

“Oops. Explain, Mucchan. Bye!”

“What? Hey,” Saiko was nowhere in sight. “Hi, Tooru.” His heart was beating slower? Faster? He couldn’t tell but he was about to pass out.

“Hi, Kuki.”

There goes the small talk. How have you been? What are you doing? That’s foreplay before their real talks. 

“Do I wanna know why Saiko was using my phone?”

“I called and she picked up. I was surprised you left it at home, but she _tooold_ me you’re doing good use of your iPod.”

“It was a good gift. You shouldn’t have, but thank you again. What did you want to talk to me? Is everything ok?”

 _Don’t run in circles, just tell him. Accept his reaction, whatever it is. Tell him you’re coming back, tell him you’re in l_ _—nop. Nop, nop, nop. Not over a phone call._

“Urie, I’m coming back.”

The line went silent, not even static could be heard if he didn’t have such good hearing, ghoul hearing. His stomach seemed to stick to his muscles and spin on a rollercoaster at the same time. _This is what everyone feels, right? Waiting does this, expectation does this. It’s normal. Breathe. It’ll be over in a minute._

The thing is, Mutsuki knew what he was expecting, what he was receiving. Urie was there throughout the whole time, he never left—never once gave a sign that he wanted to leave. He was his confident, his best friend, the thing that not only looked like family because he was family. His family.

The one that helped him feel. The one he fell for.

He realized that the answer couldn’t possibly surprise him, but that laugh on the other side? It wasn’t a small chuckle, _it’s him laughin’._ That’s so rare. That surprised him. _Finally._

“Finally.” Urie whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKUCyRLoQlM
> 
> leave comments to encourage this bitch, hahahaa jk... unless  
> :p


	3. So if I keep my eyes closed with the blind hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares can be telling stories, but they don't need to be prophecies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... well, hello! look who's back? hahaha  
> i won't be doing much housekeeping regarding to this chapter, i just wanna say i'm really proud of it, but it's also really close to me—you bet your ass i'm feeling too damn seen with this one xD
> 
> also, i suggest reading the first part with a song called "it's like seeing spiders running riot on your lover's grave" by bring me the horizon (link at the end notes). i warn it's much more about the atmosphere than the actual lyrics, tho.
> 
> enjoy the reading, mutsurie nation. thank you for awakening recently and helping me get out of a really dark place concerning my writing. especially thank you to jess. ily babe <3

Every night I try my best to dream,

Tomorrow makes it better.

Then I wake up to the cold reality

That not a thing has changed.

Last hope /

Paramore

He woke up and knew he needed to go to the city and reunite with his friends.

Mechanically, he dressed all black, boots to the eyepatch. His bangs were falling on his eyes, so he decided to trim them before leaving with Aura on his tail.

“We’re here, Tooru.” Aura said without really looking at him, focused on his own boots.

“Why a beach house? I thought we were going to Tokyo? They’re waiting for me.”

Mutsuki took a good look around. The garden looked like a perfect paradise, green and red mixing. There were so many roses. 

“Yeah, they’re inside. I bet Hige is at the beach, though. If you’re feeling… good… we can go there later. Sasaki said that the Tsukiyama’s beach was a 3 minutes walk from behind the house.”

“Beach mansion is probably the word we should use, right? This is gigantic.”

“And fancy. We can try to have a good time, let’s go.”

As Aura apparently expected, they were all inside the house; there was Saiko and Hsiao, Yusa, Kaneki, Kirishima and Tsukiyama Shuu. Well, that wasn’t exactly expected, but everyone seemed alright with it. Urie was nowhere to be seen. Mutsuki wanted to ask where he was first thing after entering the room, but he couldn’t. With tongue tied and messy thoughts he couldn’t arrange, he followed with his greetings to the people in front of him, sensing that there were more in the other rooms by the sound of the distant voices.

The day passed alright but something felt incongruous. Mutsuki thought at first it was him, misplaced, but that was always his first thought, like a knee-jerk reaction at being seen somewhere. After awhile, he started to pay even more attention to his surroundings and placed the unwanted feeling at the huge paintings staring at him—they looked alive, like the souls that belonged to the faces painted were trapped behind the oil paint—and they were all faces. He knew some of them.

He wanted to ask why those faces, what’s the reason, but at the top of all the unwelcomed but not unfamiliar feelings, one made him cage his tongue inside his mouth before he even knew what was the question he was about to ask. (Although somewhere denied in his brain he knew it anyway.)

He stopped in front of Shirazu’s face in one of the paintings and he must have stood there for a good half an hour, because when he looked around him, everyone was cornering him.

“Oh, poor thing. Isn’t it sad that he couldn’t get over it?’

“At least this one wasn’t his fault.”

_What._

“Hey! None of it was his fault!”

_What wasn’t my fault? Shirazu?_

“Well then, tell this to him! Maybe if he believes it, he could get out of this trance.”

_Tell me what? Why are you talking like I’m not here?_

“Has someone even tried to talk to him after the daze took him over?”

_Tell me what?_

“I think deep down he knows. It’s not our choice to make.”

_Know what? I’m here. Listen to me, answer me!_

“How’s it not? Weren’t you his friends? Don’t you think this is enough?”

_I’m here!_

“Yeah, Touka is right. This is the reason we brought him this time after so many years.”

_I’m here._

“It’s a pity. Such potential, lost in so much darkness and pain. In so many lies…”

“I’m here!” Mutsuki screamed, and he knew soon enough that he wouldn't even be able to talk. His throat was closing in. His lungs were closing in. His stomach was eating itself. Nothing was working how’s supposed to. _Nothing is right,_ he thought.

“I’m sorry, monsieur. We thought you weren’t listening to us.” Tsukiyama kindly reached a hand and placed it on his shoulder. Not kindly, no. Condescendingly.

“Why wouldn’t I be listening? I’m right here, I—you’re too—you’re too close! Why can’t all of you give me some space? I c-can’t breathe!”

“Poor Muchan…” Saiko looked at him with her huge, sad puppy eyes.

“No! Not poor me! What’s going on?”

“You really want us to tell you, my darling? Will you believe us this time?” Tsukiyama was the one asking.

“What’s… going on…”

He felt Tsukiyama’s hands on both his shoulders this time and he felt sick. He felt Saiko’s hands holding his left hand and he felt tainted. He saw Aura’s and Kaneki’s looks directed at him and he threw up nothing, dry heaving painfully between coughs. _But I ate! I know I ate!_

They stopped in front of a painting. 

Mutsuki was shrunken in itself. Someone unfolded his body against his will and guided his chin up. He remained with his eyes closed.

“You know, you and I… We have something in common. We both were… infatuated with someone unattainable. You see, in our case the similarities go even further, since the object of our passion was even the same person, well, the same body at least. Someone who treated us with kindness and that we shared some common interest. Isn’t that right?”

His heart ached so much. He wanted to answer that it was different, but maybe it wasn’t. He wanted to answer that he realized it wasn’t passion, it was obsession, projection, sickness, a fucking nightmare, but maybe it was all of it. He didn’t know what the hell he knew or didn't before his ribs started to push his heart and his lung to his stomach; his binder never felt so much like a cage before. His entire body was a cage for his panic.

_Breathe. Breathe. The tricks your therapist teached you. Remember it. Use it. My body is mine, my body is mine, I can calm down, I can._

He couldn’t.

Everyone surrounding him breathed worry on his neck, but they didn’t care enough to end his misery and stop Tsukiyama’s monologue.

“You see, our reasons were different from this part on, but we both used that passion as a blindfold at some point. I could see some things through the fabric, but even what I could see, I’ve chosen to ignore. I carried this as a regret for a long time, but Karren wouldn’t want me to suffocate in regret. You ignored Urie, but I know he went still wishing the best for you.”

Fear burned the inside of his eyes, the inside of his guts. Karren is dead and has been dead for years, but Urie…

“I…”

“Yes? Are you able to talk now?”

Suddenly, he could. He could talk despite the pain, his voice steady as if the air hasn’t been stolen from him. All his organs felt constricted still, but it was like his voice was being projected, coming right from his brain, amplified and autotuned.

“Where’s Urie?”

“Right in front of you, my little investigator. Open your eyes.”

He opened and looked up. He saw deep black eyes, black moles and a gloved hand above a mouth he never knew if tasted like bitter or sweet coffee.

His eyes were moist and it was difficult to see, but he still turned around to look again at the paintings at the room.

“Why is everyone in the paintings dead?”

“Why, you ask? This is the room for our deceased. We come here to celebrate them and mourn too. Life gets too busy sometimes and they can’t be forgotten.”

“It’s morbid. This doesn’t look healthy.”

Someone scoffed. _Oh, Ayato’s here too._ “That’s rich coming from you”, he said.

“It’s certainly healthier than pretending investigator Urie Kuki isn’t dead, my dear.”

He knew. Somewhere, somehow, he knew—it stunged the same as any fresh bad news.

“How long.”

“Five or six years. Pardon my memory, monsieur.”

“And that I’ve been in denial…”

“Almost the same amount of time. You helped with the painting and shut off. I’m sorry.”

He seemed like he was looking at himself from above. He walked the halls, through the kitchen to the backyard and then to the beach. He seemed so calm it was infuriating. Why wasn’t he devastated by Urie’s death?

 _Oh, I was devastated before. I was so broken I pretended he wasn’t dead. I lied again. All I do is lie. Did I lie to him about my feelings too? Or did he die before I even developed it or realized it?_ He couldn’t tell.

His memories were all over the place and he couldn’t place what was really true and what was his mind’s creation. He tried to compartmentalize, but it didn’t work either.

“Are you alright, Mutsuki?”

He looked at the sea because looking at the person speaking would make him regress to his state of denial. He knew it would.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t need to lie to me, Tooru.”

“You’re dead. I need to let you go. Please, please go.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, you pushed me.”

“Please leave…”

“Why did you push me? I just wanted to be by your side. Like family.”

“Please…”

“You saved me and then you left me. I didn’t want to be abandoned again.”

“I didn’t! You pushed me! We both pushed, I don’t know! I didn't want to leave you! Urie, I didn’t! You left. You died!” he made the mistake of looking at the figure by his side, only a shadow of the muscled man photographed inside a box carefully stored in his brain. “What happened to you? Urie? Urie?”

Urie was falling and his legs were grounded, heavy, but he ended up getting to him before his head hit the sand.

“Urie? Urie, what’s happening? Urie, talk to me!”

“It’s so much better to not be alone…”

“Kuki?”

“It’s agonizing… to be alone.”

“Kuki, what do I do? How do I save you? Kuki, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“It’s agonizing to die alone.”

“You’re not dying! No!”

He held the man that looked so much like a scared little boy, frail and motionless between his toned arms. He held him so tight, wailing like a hurt animal, he didn’t bother with the sound of bones almost cracking. Urie was already dead in his arms and his brain delivered the final blow, methodically planting one by one, all the memories he was hiding behind his lies.

Urie died alone and loveless, feeling rejected and abandoned.

Mutsuki hasn't answered his phone for days, coming to know of him passing away days after the funeral.

If Aura wasn’t out of the country, he might have gotten the message. It wouldn’t be possible for him to avoid it like he avoided all the calls when he was feeling scared and guilty. Now he has another sin to feel guilt for.

“Kuki… wake up. Don’t leave me… Please, please don’t leave me…”

Urie’s face was wet. He didn’t notice it started raining.

He didn’t notice Urie wasn’t in his arms anymore.

He didn’t notice the air escaping between his teeth because it was never there to begin with.

He barely heard his own inconsolably screams. Seemed like no one around heard him.

It wasn’t until he was feeling death taking him—not the black dressed figure, but every sensation in his body failing, dying one after the other—that he heard Urie’s voice desperately calling for him.

“Tooru! Tooru, look at me!”

He never wanted Urie to be his knight, but right now he was almost satisfied he could be his death knight.

“Tooru, can you hear me? Tooru!”

“Tooru!” _Oh, Aura’s voice too?_

* * *

“Aura, water. Now!”

He was almost dead in a minute and now he was dying again but very conscious of it. It sucked.

“Tooru, please open your eyes! Look at me, breathe with me! God, Tooru, don’t do this to me—”

_Is that Urie?_

_No, Urie died. Alone. I wasn’t there._

“Tooru, drink it. Pleasepleaseplease no wait—you’re gonna choke—”

He choked. Reflexively, he opened his eyes.

What he saw was nothing but a cruel, terrible nightmare. Urie was dead, so why was he there?

“Urie, he can’t breathe! He’s fucking purple, what do I do?”

“Get out!”

“Urie!”

“Get the fuck out! I can’t think with you here (what thefuck???? i can always think under pressureohmygod tooru pleaseplease).”

“Urie?”

“Tooru? Yes! Yes, breathe. Breathe with me, together. Come on! Please!”

He looked at the deep black eyes, the black moles and the open mouth breathing rapidly. The breaths hittin’ his nose were as if Urie was alive.

“Please don’t leave me again, Urie. Don’t die again. Stay here!”

“What?”

“Urie, don’t die. You can’t die!”

Mutsuki struggled and trashed his limbs all over the bed, barely breathing, far from cohesive. He only repeated _don’t die don’t leave me please stay you can’t die i didn’t abandon you_ over and over until his tongue dried and the coughing didn’t stop, his neck and face descending from purple to paper white.

“Tooru, it was a nightmare. You had this one before! I’m alive, I was always alive. I won’t leave you, I won’t die. I can’t die before getting you home, you hear me? Please hear me. I’m here. I’m real!” he guided the smaller hands to his face and his short nails cutted, he held tightly with it, tarnishing the skin lightly.

“Why am I dreaming you’re still alive? I don’t want to lie anymore but I don’t want you to go. Stay.”

None of the times Mutsuki had the nightmare where Urie died it was so bad like this one. Maybe it was the anxiety of coming back to the Chateau. It didn’t matter the reason, not right now.

“I swear I’m here and I’m not dead. Tooru, please.”

“You’re here?”

“Yes, I came to take you back to Tokyo.”

“You’re here.”

“Yes, keep breathing like we were doing, ok? I’m here.”

The shaken limbs laced with a delicacy not suitable with the present picture; the bed was a mess of sheets and drenched in sweat, so was Mutsuki. His mismatched eyes were swollen and still wet from the tears still falling. The ragged breath was still there, the paleness of his face, but his hands left his cheeks, circling his neck like his legs delicately circled his lower body. It was light ‘till it became heavy.

He pressed his hands on Mutsuki’s back and in return he was trapped in limbs that no longer held the delicacy and lightness of a moment before. It became desperate, suffocating and balsamic. It was harsh but it was also like a reliever drug infected the air being finally inhaled deeply to their lungs.

Mutsuki was still crying in his neck and he was still making circular movements on his back, whispering _it’s okay, it’s all fine_ now to the man on top of him.

Mutsuki was engulfed by sleep like that and Urie laid him down on the bed.

He looked as tired as he looked after the Dragon War.

Urie stayed awake looking at the sleepy figure until his eyes dropped without his command. He woke up with Mutsuki barely shaking him.

He asked if Urie slept the whole time. The answer was no. He asked if he was hungry, to this he said yes. He asked if they could travel the next day by morning because he felt like a truck had run over him and Urie hadn't really slept properly; he told him to shower and that he could call a pizza place and then call Saiko to explain they would be arriving the next day. So they did, sticking to the plan.

Aura was worried, clearly, but he was trying not to run over Mutsuki. He knew that it sounded condescendent to ask so many times if he was okay, if he was sure of his decision. So he didn’t.

“I’m here in case you need me, man. I’m gonna eat in my room, enjoy the kitchen.” That's what Aura said.

“Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow before we leave?”

“Of course. Don’t mind the door, by the way. I’m still gonna stay here for a little while, I can fix it.”

“It’s fine, but send me the bill.”

“Can do, Mutsuki. Good night.”

“Night.”

They ate and laid down. In the past, when Urie visited, he started sleeping on the couch. After some months, he moved to a futon in Mutsuki’s room; they would end up staying up too late anyway, it was a smart move. Besides, that was easier to help with Mutsuki’s nightmares—even if considered that he dealt with them alone on a daily basis—although he had admitted to himself a long ago that they happened way less when he was with Urie. He wasn’t scared of having a nightmare in front of him, it wasn’t shameful anymore and that seemed to do the trick to lessen his anxiety at the very least.

Sometimes they would share the bed. Those times were for Urie. It wasn’t easy to make him talk about his own problems and what was going on in his head, but when he did it, it was with Mutsuki (Saiko too, but with Mutsuki it was always visceral and with no sugarcoating); when he did it, Urie was left almost at the brink of breaking. He never cried, but a lot of times when his anger simmered too close to the surface, he could see the tears almost falling. When he hated his father the most, that’s when it happened—when all the love and that missing part took too much of him, when he couldn’t ignore the blame he deposited on his father for choosing anything that day instead of coming home to him—on these occasions, he needed a pair of arms and legs to wrap him up and put pressure on his skin and his insides.

Urie didn’t blame himself anymore, he was just a kid, but that never meant he stopped resenting his father. Mourning can be something cruel sometimes. Mutsuki thought it was cruel how Urie’s brain couldn’t accept his father was gone and that it was a fatality; it wasn’t necessarily a choice of not coming back home, just a choice of taking that risk and avoiding too many families to lose someone that day; a lesser evil, a little hurt for Urie in place of a lot of hurt to everyone else. Mutsuki understood Urie’s dad, but he also knew he probably wouldn’t know what to do with that either. Maybe he would drown himself in work like Urie. Isn’t he already doing that for different reasons? Not so different if he stops to think about it, they just grieved for different reasons; their abandonment was only virtually different. Pain is always pain.

This time, Urie slept in the bed because Mutsuki asked. He was finishing this long phase of his life with the wrong foot, but the next day he would start anew with the right one.

The right foot, the right reasons he has yet to share in totality with his family—the chateau—and the right person, because it doesn’t matter how much they progressed or regressed alone, they always took steps together too. There wasn’t abandonment between them. The nightmare scared him and demonstrated an underlying fear he acknowledged, but in the end it wasn’t a premonition, it was what it is; a nightmare. Between them there was just trust and familiarity. Understandment Acceptance. The right things even in the wrong times and the wrong places, continuing to be right even while it waited to grow and to bloom.

They’re grown now. They can keep growing together.

A new flower, already growing, bloomed in his chest when he got to the doorsteps with his two cats, Urie and some boxes.

The moment Saiko crushed him on her chest; when Higemaru welcomed him; when Yusa and the younger kids looked at him with glee and curiosity instead of fear in their eyes; when Urie opened the door to his bedroom because his hands were occupied with Cookie and Ginshi, all he saw was an iris, vividly purple. With the flower in his chest, he pictured hope.

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to;

It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

And the blood of these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has;

And that's the hope I have the only thing I know that's keeping me alive.

Last hope /

Paramore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked. talk to me in the commentaries and also on my twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/redsukiriot 
> 
> and tumblr:  
> https://sasukeyeol.tumblr.com/.
> 
> chapter/title song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nIlOpMBU3g
> 
> suggested song for the first part of the chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r5G0vkO0mI
> 
> spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7mrOmaQf7LP0p7YrTEmiq1?si=zycZuaQFQc6hniFCKplnWQ
> 
> see ya!


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mutsuki is back to the Chateau and Higemaru suffers with his allergies to cat's fur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUTSUKI TOORU!  
> the last chapter left on a hopeful note after some heavy shit happening on it and this one builds after that, showing hope and adaptation. if the name wasn't a clear indicator, this is a transitional chapter and one I enjoyed greatly writing knowing what I had already build and what's coming next.   
> *spoiler!!! it involves the ghouls, finally! the peacekeepers, marude and... kaneki ken!*
> 
> now, if you want to just hop on the chapter, go on! have fun! I promise I'm gonna beta this soon, btw :D
> 
> this is a little note talking about this community, mutsuki's birthday and... this fic's birthday.
> 
> happy birthday to this fic! on this exact day last year I started to upload this work and I can't explain how much this little thing gave me. aside from the cheer happiness of getting something new to a fandom that is not that active anymore (especially when it comes to the quinx, mutsuki, urie and mutsurie in general), this is the first work of mine in english that had ever seen the light and it still going! I'm still uploading things here and on twitter and I can see I have improved my english writing, which was one of my main goals.  
> the gifts "fresh bruises and old wounds" has given to me, however, did not stop there. if you’re curious, you can go back to the comments of the very first chapter and you're gonna find someone there with an uchiha name (a fucking good writer, btw) and that someone is NO JOKE one of my best friends today. jess is an amazing person I came to know because of this ship, because of this small community and we never stopped talking ever since. you can call god to try and make both of us quiet and I may say it’s not gonna be an easy job to make us shut up.  
> my point with all of this is to express how grateful I am to tokyo ghoul and mutsurie, and to this small community for giving me something so great through the power of our creations. I met great authors here after I immediately started posting right when i finished reading the manga and that’s fucking great. it’s great to share something like this with other people, it’s amazing to play the heartstrings of other people - even if it’s just my friend’s heartstrings, my most loyal reader and motivator.

No I gotta go

I'm coming home

coming home

It's been too long

If they wanna know,

tell 'em I went home.

Coming Home - Interlude /

Kali Uchis

"Ah Choo!" Higemaru cleaned his nose with the back of his hand. “Ughh.”

“I think it’s better for you to leave me to deal with the rest of the moving alone, Hige. Your allergies…” Mutsuki told him, setting a box down.

“It’s ‘finde’, I can still— ah choo! Nghhhh they’re so damn cute, these little demons!” Higemaru fixed on the cats’ eyes waiting for them to implode, to grow wings and fly away from him and his nose.

_ Meow _ , Cookie said. Ginshi remained silent, unbothered.

“Ok, I’m done. He’s mocking me. He’s a bastard!”

“Would you call Urie-kun a bastard to his face?” Saiko entered the bedroom carrying a water bowl for the cats.

“The cat is a bastard, not Mr. Urie.” Higemaru looked offended.

“Tomato, tomato. And here I thought you were just a bootlicker, baby.”

“I’m not carrying you on my back today, Miss Yonebayashi.”

“I take it back, Hige-kun! I take it back!”

Both sprinted out of the bedroom before Mutsuki could say Saiko forgot the other bowl.

Mutsuki squatted next to another box full of books.

“Is it “home, sweet home” yet, big guy?”

“Oh, hi Hsiao! It’ll be in some hours if I ever manage to finish this. I still have to put the bookshelf up and place the books on it.”

“I’m sure Urie would be glad to arrange that for you. Where is he?”

“Marude called as soon as we got here, besides, I can do it myself, no biggie.”

“I know, Mutsuki, but he would be  _ glad _ .”

“Yeah, right.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m on my way to a doctor appointment but if you need anything, just call me.”

“Sure, thank you Hsiao.”

She moved on her high heeled boots, barely showing any signs of the years Mutsuki knew ran differently for her. Tall and mighty, Hsiao was gone in a second leaving only the coconut smell of her hair behind. Looked like it was soft as silk.

He heard her boots clacking on the floor and suddenly, she was running and getting closer again.

“Hsiao, did you forget something?” He didn’t hear anything falling, she must have forgotten to say something to him. Maybe the cats bother her too, in the end.

“Yeah…”

“What is it?”

“You know, we barely lived together, When I came to live in the Chateau… You know, you were still here but running your own errands, jumping from squad to other squad. What I mean is… I’m glad you’re back. I’m glad you’re home. It always felt like a puzzle piece was missing, a place on the couch that should be filled.” She coughed and Mutsuki saw her cheeks flaring red. Cute. “Anyway, I’m already late. Bye, Mutsuki.”

He smiled at her but he thinks she didn’t have the time to see it before her boots clacked on the floor again. 

“I’m glad I’m home.”

* * *

When Urie got home he was greeted by a whining Saiko and Mutsuki begging her to leave the kitchen. The girl had it in her to set the entire house on fire, so Urie didn’t blame him.

The scene was oddly familiar. Another face, in the past, weeping with a strangled voice “Saiko-chan, no!” but Mutsuki’s voice was begging without crying. He was tired and it was only one day around the kids. Urie gloats over the fact that he told him a thousand times that they behaved in a more civil manner when he was visiting, that it was a facade. He got a weird feeling, like he won.  _ Serves him right for being away for so long while I took care of so many strays. _

He quickly pretended the thought never crossed his mind.

He passed past the kitchen on his way to the staircase, As quickly as he had ignored his intrusive thought, Urie showered and went back to offer his help to finish things up for dinner.

Mutsuki saw him coming down the stairs and visibly tensed. His movements holding the pans and moving around were stiff and they weren’t before he saw Urie. If he didn’t know better, if he didn’t know him, he would think his presence made Mutsuki unease but that wasn’t the case at all. He learned a long time ago that everytime their relationship shifted a little bit, Mutsuki would try to make things… prettier. He would try a new cologne or trim his bangs in a new way—shorter. Urie once told him he liked his forehead.

He would move the furniture around and ask what Urie thought about the change. He would try a new recipe, try to walk straighter; he would put more thought on how he held things, how he lifted his cup of coffee. It never lasted longer than some hours. Urie had also learned that Mutsuki lost the capability of not being himself in front of him. Clumsy on day-to-day things like holding a kitchen knife; elegantly fatal holding his work knives. He would never drop them like he dropped the kitchen ladle.

“Hi!” Mutsuki chirped after dropping the kitchen ladle.

“You need a hand in here?” Urie leaned against the wall.

“No, no, everything is almost ready. Everything is alright, Urie.”

“I see. Alright, then.”

Urie didn’t move. He stood before Mutsuki, leaned against the wall, with Saiko looking between them.

“You could clean the mess I made on the floor until I finish?” Mutsuki asked

“On my way.” 

Urie looked at Mutsuki one last time before he went on about to find the cloth they used to clean the floor.

The rest of the night went on without any occurrences. Mutsuki and his act didn’t last, as usual, and he was laughing with a mouthful during the dinner thanks to Saiko and Hsiao making fun of Higemaru’s face and nose all red from allergies. Urie knew Mutsuki would feel bad for laughing later, but Higemaru knew him and the kittens were coming and he still didn’t buy his medicine. That one was on him.

They hung out on the couch for some time after they finished eating. Mutsuki thought about Hsiao’s words, about the place that should be filled on that couch and he filled, ungracefully losing his limbs over the old thing,

He looked at the ceiling and for a moment, he lost himself there. He went “off” to the real world and “on” to the memory lane. Click, click, click, clicking on buttons inside his brain like a TV remote control. He could hear the sound of another body splaying himself on the very same couch, the woods inside it screeching at the lack of care. He could hear an obnoxiously laugh and complains about being Squad Captain. Lamentably, a voice saying it couldn’t hear them back also came to haunt him. Click. He had shut that off again and came back, live and wire to the room filled with his friends, minus one.

He guessed some places would stay empty and that living there again would be a painful reminder of that every single day.

He missed Shirazu more now that he was there, but at least he would be one less missing person to hurt the others. At least there were others.

“Hey.” Urie nudged him with his shoulder, lightly.

“Oh, hey. Spaced out there for a bit.”

_ I can see that _ , Urie thought but didn’t say. He was too busy transfixed by Mutsuki’s small smile.

“Did you finish arranging your bedroom?” Urie asked.

“My books are all over the place and the bookshelf isn’t built up yet, so no. Not really.” Mutsuki hasn’t forgotten Hsiao’s words. All of her words.

“Want me to put it up for you?”

“You mean now?”

“I’m not in the mood to sleep yet and the electric screwdriver doesn’t make enough noise to reach the other bedrooms. Only mine beside yours.” Urie nudged him again and Mutsuki felt a shiver run down his arm.  _ It’s just a shoulder brush, how annoying _ , he thought.

“We better get going, then.”

They went up the stairs and to Mutsuki’s bedroom fast, leaving everyone else still on that couch looking at their backs oh, so knowingly.

Urie had got to his own bedroom to get the screwdriver. He had opened his wardrobe to get the required object. Behind some of his clothes, his slim white coat, he saw a glimpse of something; a secret. With a deft motion of his nimble fingers he withdrew the whites and the blacks and all he saw was green and red eager to be shown, asking to be shown, to confess.

_ Soon _ , Urie thought. With the right catalyst, in the right time, all the green he carefully took care of, that he crafted, all the oil paint smell hanging around him and all the paint inside him would come to the surface and exhibit itself. All of his painted emotions to be seen like it’s The Museum of Modern Art of New York.

He knew it wasn’t the time yet.

When he came back to Mutsuki, the man was separating his books by the author, ready to put on the bookshelf.

“We slept together yesterday.”

Urie dropped the electric screwdriver.

“I guess everyone heard  _ that _ noise, Kuki.”

“Guess so. What about yesterday? We did this before.”

“Yeah, we did. We did, indeed.”

Mutsuki waited for Urie’s reply but he collected the tool from his bedroom floor and started to work diligently, just like everything he did.

Urie patiently waited for Mutsuki’s words. He knew they were coming.

“We don’t have a reason to sleep together today, right Urie?”

“I’m fine, you look fine too,  _ Tooru _ .”

“So, we’re all fine. We don’t need each other’s company to sleep today. Cool. We’re great. We’re cool. Fiiiine. We’re super fine.”

The white haired man plopped himself onto his bed and Urie had no choice but to laugh at the childish behaviour. He was about to throw a tantrum or something because they were too “ok” to indulge in sharing the same bed? He swore he was seeing Mutsuki’s bottom lip up in a pout, the insides of his brows creased.

Didn’t he know that Urie was eager to share the same bed with him without any other reason but pure want?

Urie knew he did. Mutsuki knew about his feelings, he was just waiting for Urie to take the next step and it elated him to be granted the opportunity to finally be the one to speak, to step forward.

“Tooru.”

“Yeah?” He saw right there. A shiver ran down Mutsuki’s neck just as he pronounced his given name. Did it occur earlier? He asked himself.

“I wanna sleep here with you. On your new old bed.”

Mutsuki bothered his bottom lip and straightened his posture. “You do?”

“You know the answer already.”

“I wanna hear it anyway.”  _ I wanna hear everything, Kuki. _

Urie left his spot beside the now built bookshelf and sat beside Mutsuki on his bed. He didn’t look at him but to the front, beyond. He looked at the wall as if there was a TV with scenes of his future with Mutsuki there and it made him brave enough to put his hand over his on the duvet.

“I’m gonna say it then. I do. I do want to share a bed with you even when I’m not going down a depressive spiral, even when your dreams are all good and light. We don’t need to be in bad shape to need to be by each other’s side, to want to. I just want to be by your side regardless and I want to share this bed with you tonight.”

He felt the pull from Mutsuki’s eyes, he knew he was looking at him so he looked back. Mutsuki nodded and they got closer, their foreheads touching featherlight. Their noses almost touched.

They were almost there.

Mutsuki laughed and although the spell wasn’t broken, he separated himself from Urie and went out of the bedroom carrying boxer shorts and an old t-shirt.

Urie followed to his own bedroom to change to his sweatpants and came back before the owner of the room.

When Mutsuki came back, Urie was in the middle of the room in all his shirtless glory.

“You wanna be the big spoon to break the habit tonight?” Mutsuki asked, lifting the duvet.

Another shift in their relationship.

“I can be.”  _ Whatever you want, Tooru. _

“‘Kay then. Come on.”

He felt Mutsuki’s old shirt, soft from all the washes against his chest. He inhaled the lavender smell from the top of his white head and he knew this was heaven. Urie knew Mutsuki and he was heaven with all the God’s wrath and mercy, so intricately intertwined,

“Kuki?”

“Hum?”

“I feel fine. I feel warm. I’m alive.”

“That makes me happy, Tooru. I’m  _ proud _ of you.” He hugged Mutsuki closer, tighter.

“I think…”

“I know.”

The right catalyst, the right timing. They felt. It was close, just next door.

Cool it for the ride

C'mon, just take your time

Keep on, keep on

moving, moving

Gotta get it right

I can't pause and rewind

Keep on, keep on

moving, moving.

Coming home - Interlude /

Kali Uchis


End file.
